My name is Jill and I'm 26 years old. I'm an Army spouse of 7 years and mom to our 6 year old twin daughters and 3 year old son. We are currently stationed at Ft. Bragg, NC which is our 4th duty station together so far. "Home" is Long Island, NY for me, and NJ for my husband, Paul. I work part time for the county court system as a dispute resolution mediator and I am also a juvenile house arrest counselor.

The purpose of this weblog is to chronicle my journey towards weight loss, following me before and after gastric bypass surgery.

I never really had a weight problem before. I went through a "chubby" stage early in adolescence, but thinned out in my teen years. I was active and never really had the need to diet. If I saw I gained a few pounds, it was easy to take off. I was never "skinny" but I was in shape and my weight was never a big issue for me.

I started gaining weight when I went away to college. I wasn't "fat", but weighed more than I would have liked. I figured it was the "freshman 15" and had plans to take it off during summer break. Thats when I found out I was pregnant with my daughters. I made the mistake of telling myself I was "eating for 3", that I could eat whatever I wanted and I would just take the weight off after they were born.

After the birth of my daughters in 1997, my activity greatly decreased. I was no longer working. My life revolved around taking care of the girls at home. I had lost some of my pregnancy weight, but steadily gained over the years. We had moved to Ft. Campbell, KY and I was in and out of a depression. There are way too many issues I had to go into here, but somehow food became my comfort and the weight kept coming.

After my son was born in 2000, I knew I needed to lose weight. I'm 5'6, and I was 220lbs- the heaviest I had ever been. I tried diet and exercize but I realized it wasn't so easy. I tried every diet under the sun with little/no success. Life happened-- I got busy with the kids, I was dealing with a Korea tour, and then we moved once again. I gave myself a lot of excuses, and diets just weren't working. I got frustrated, and gave up.

A year later I noticed simple things were getting difficult to do--- chasing after my kids, long walks I had always enjoyed, even just crossing my legs or sitting on the floor for long periods of time. I would get tired easily, my back hurt, my knees hurt. I had trouble getting comfortable in bed at night. I went back to yo-yo dieting. I spent way too much money on diet pills, starting counting calories and excercising again. I lost a little, then gained that back, plus. Again, I got frustrated and gave up. I figured I was just meant to be fat, told myself I was a good person and that I'd just have to learn to accept myself.

My parents came to visit one week during the summer of 2002 and we took the kids to an amusement park-- I tried going on a swing ride, and didn't fit in the seat. Thats the last time I even attempted to ride any rides. I laughed it off, but went home and cried. That is when I knew I had to do SOMETHING. My weight was out of control.

I saw my doctor at Madigan Army Medical Center at Ft. Lewis, WA. I was up to 265lbs. She referred me to the nutrition clinic where I took some nutrition classes. I met with a dietician. I started going to the gym working with a personal trainer. I had made some progress, but very little. That is when we started talking about bariatric surgery. Unfortunately, the waiting list was about 2 years long and we didn't have enough time left at the base.

I researched this surgery extensively. I read everything I could get my hands on and talked to people who have had the surgery done. I decided this is something I really wanted to do.

My husband is very active and my children are always on the go. I push myself to keep up with them. I don't want to miss out on all of the fun things we do together-- like playing tag or soccer in the yard, or anything else that requires energy. I make myself do it all, but I just want to collapse when its over. And there have been times where I just absolutely have to stop to take a break. I dont' want to be on the sidelines for the rest of my life. Its frustrating.

And then there is the emotional side of it. I'm embarrassed to go out in public. I don't want people to see me like this. I'm embarrassed for my husband when he is with me. I used to be so confident and so social-- now I just want to hide. I put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy, but inside I'm crying.

I spend a fortune on clothes because of my size, and the clothes I have to wear look like an 80 year old should be wearing them. I don't ever want to look in the mirror. I know its a strong word, but there are times I just hate myself-- I hate that I've let this go on for so long, I hate that I've let myself get this big, I hate that I can't be the person that I really am inside. I feel as though I lost her years ago.

We arrived at Ft. Bragg at the end of January 2003, I immediately made an appointment with my primary care manager to talk about the surgery and to get a referral. My doctor (Dr. Kim) referred me to the general surgery clinic and I was excited to get started. The surgeons kept getting deployed or had other things come up and I didn't get in for my initial consultation until Sept., after 7 depressing months with my husband at war ,and weighing in at a whopping 285lbs. But I was finally on my way!

In October 2003 I had my psych evaluation. I just had to take a really long test, full of questions that had nothing to do with bariatric surgery. I'm guessing the purpose was to test our comprehension level, and our ability to make an informed decision.

In November, I took my nutrition class, where we basically went over the bariatric diet, what we can and can't eat, what would happen if we overate, or ate too fast, etc.

Also in November, I had my follow up with psych. I really like Dr. Greenfield (the psychologist). He just wanted to make sure I understood exactly what was going to happen to me and that I realized that having this surgery is a life-changing decision. We talked a bit about underlying issues and what caused me to gain so much weight, my childhood, my family, and expectations after having the surgery.

I've started attending a support group at Womack Army Medical Center here on Ft. Bragg. I recently found out that it would be at least another 13 months before I could have my surgery done here, which was both disappointing and frustrating.

Fortunately, I was deffered out to the network in December in hopes of having this surgery done sooner. I have an initial consultation with Dr. Carter in Fayetteville on the 29th of January. I can't wait!

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